Scream As Loud As You CAN!

“A scream, shout, holler, vociferation, yell, outcry, or steven is a loud vocalization in which air is passed through the vocal cords with greater force than is used in regular or close-distance vocalization. Though technically this process can be performed by any creature possessing lungs, the preceding terms are usually applied specifically to human vocalization.”

-       Wikipedia on “Vociferation”

Great to know, but if you are in China rules of nature, physics or anything else are useless regarding to a scream, shout, holler, vociferation, yell outcry or steven (I didn’t even know there existed a word like this…). They are just louder then everything or everybody else. The record for the loudest “group-screaming” was set at the grounds of Toivala's Metsäkoulu, Siilinjärvi, Finland on 16 April 2005 by a group of Finnish scouts (Thanks Wikipedia, always good to know) with 127.2 decibels. First of all I give those guys a lot of credit…BUT they have never been on a Chinese market or at a place where many Chinese people talk on the phone. They are so loud that it seriously hurts. Imagine yourself wandering through the streets of Shanghai and you are about to enter a supermarket to get just a bottle of water and as soon as you are entering some starts to talk on his phone: “WEI…AH…AH…HAO…….AHAH…(not understandable what-so-ever)…AH…ZAI TIAN!”

What you read up there was a typical and very common talk between two Chinese people on the phone. The content can be translated like this: “HELLO…AH…AH…OK…AHAH……..AH…BYE!” But now to the sound intensity: I would guess about 100 decibels compared with Anna Kurnikowas screaming during a tennis match was a little bit more than 100. So just imagine walking into a room and suddenly somebody screams at you like Anna Kurnikowa! Jeez the risk of a heart attack rises extremely. But know think of some screaming that loud for whole 10 minutes. It gives you a headache for sure. Maybe you realized that there is no real content in their calls since both of them just talk like in the given example.

 So I thought a little while about this matter and I came to a solution that GOTTA be right: China is a communist…ähm, yeah…democracy (or something else starting with “D” and ends with something like “ship” but because I was brainwashed I forgot). The USA is a capitalistic democracy. Communism and capitalism are not really getting along with each other on some points. So to the Chinese government was/is very afraid of being bucked and too much confidential information get out of the country to the US, which are of course are planning to invade China at some point and so it is very important to get as much information about the Chinese lifestyle and habits as possible. A short talk on the phone could be very useful for the American intelligence. But the Chinese were aware of this problem and started a super secret and till now denied program to teach the Chinese people some kind of tone language so they could talk without the fear of the evil capitalists understanding and invading the beloved fatherland. They fo shizzle succeeded. Praise the party ;-)

But it´s not only that they scream like that when they are on the phone, no, otherwise it would be just fine…in some weird way. No, they also “talk” to each other like this. So for European ears it is kinda hard to judge whether the two talking persons are talking about their grandchildren or about the committed murder of one of them. Even if you are able to speak or understand Chinese this doesn’t help at all because during their loud talk they often switch into the local accent which is in my opinion not-understandable for any man-kind other than locals. They keep on screaming and screaming and screaming and you are getting terribly confused by it and no seldom a huuuge terrible headache is the result of listening, no matter in- or unintentional. Maybe another counter-intelligence strategy…who knows?

Just to come to an end. If you haven’t been to China just don’t say you know anything about loud screams, hollers, stevens (I like this word even though I don’t really know if it actually exists) etc. unless you actually have been to China.

One last thing: I am sorry if I am back in May and I talk with a very loud voice…keep it in your mind: It is not MY fault but the Chinese “super-secret-noise-campaign-starting” government!

Cheers and honor the word “steven”

L.

Wake Up, Sweet Buttercup

Beep…(My first thought was a fire alarm)…Beep…(what the…)…Beeeeeeeep! “It is now 6 am Beijing time.” (Utterly terrible loud noise aka. entrance jingle of the news at 6 am that made bed vibrating and me wanting to punch somebody in the face)”Welcome to Shanghais morning news!”

Goooood Morning Shanghai! Screw you big time! What I had to witness yesterday morning was the alarm clock /TV of my host family at 6 in the morning. Just for your consideration: I have to get up at 7 and I really need every minute of my sleep. I live in a two stories apartment with me and the “A yi” living on the first, the mother, dad and my host sister living on the second one. The TV/alarm clock is standing in the living room of the first floor pretty much right in front of my room. I really don’t know why but why in world do they have to set an alarm clock on a TV in the living room when they are sleeping on floor upstairs and my “A yi” has its own TV in her room. I really don’t get it and it makes fricking furious. They pulled up the volume to some extend I have never heard before. It is ok if it´s just for 5 minutes, maybe 10…wait no it is not OK to wake me an hour before I have to get up. Anyway they left the TV switched on with no change of volume for the damn long time of 45 minutes. During that time screaming (the biggest hobby of them Chinese people I will write something about it sometime) entered the “background noise”, breakfast was taking with of course no change of volume. Even me with one not so thick wall that protected me against the noise of the TV was nearly made deaf and I don’t understand how they even tried to communicate with each other…the screaming explains a lot but basically they are screaming the whole time. It seems they are not concerned at all with my sleep and whatever. Nevertheless I don’t want to complain too much, they are actually they are having me for no profit and I get free meals and stuff.

In the end I woke up with the wish to kill someone but everybody left, even the A yi so I went embittered to the bathroom to take a shower, which many Chinese people actually are not doing in the morning

Sorry for me being such a pussy but it made me seriously very angry and I really wanted to kick somebody’s face or butt or just hurt somebody. Had to get this one of my chest!

Enjoy and never ever use your TV-alarm clock when you are having some guests. Please just do me this one favor.

L.

How to marry in Yangzhou

Good for you, bad for me…I am suffering again. Nasty “Tonsillitis” . But good for you so I definitely have time to tell you about my last weekend at Yangzhou and the wedding.

I should just put in one word and never say anything else…it was SPECTACULAR. Not even close comparable to anything I have ever seen before!

It is actually really hard to describe how the wedding was like because you won´t believe it unless you have seen it yourself. But I will try my best:-)

When I first arrived in Yangzhou after 5 hour train ride my first thought at the Yangzhou train station was: “Where are the people????” Yangzhou has just about 800 000 citizens when I believe what a cab driver told me or I understood him right me, for Chinese standard nearly nothing.

But it was nice in fact to be in a little bit smaller town to get a little bit more relaxed. I think it is really possible in Yangzhou…certainly not if you´re invited to such a wedding as I was!

After I got into my suit and got a taxi I went to the “Yangzhou State Guesthouse” where the wedding was held. I had no idea how big the compound of the “Guesthouse” is. It is consists of several villas and a big central building all embedded in a big park. The former Chinese president Jiang Zemin was born in Yangzhou and every time he comes back to his hometown he lives in one of the villas on the compound. So as you can imagine the staff is pretty experienced to hold banquets due to uncountable communist party meeting and similar occasions. The actual wedding was held in the “Huafang Garden Room”, a huge ball room where more than 80 tables where brought inside. So overall I would guess there where about 1000 guests. Each of the tables had two bottles of orange juice, two bottles of fairish Chinese red wine, packs of zigs lying around and zwo bottles of “Moutai”, which is rather expensive and deadly strong liquor with about 56%...strong stuff I gotta admit.

I shared my table with five Westerners and another four Chinese people. Spoken language was (of course) English. The tables and chairs were all covered with white cloth and flowers were placed in the middle of the table. An aisle lead through the middle of the room (of course also in white) up to an stage that was more like a runway at some fashion show, probably 20 metres long. At the end of the “runway” there was a stairway with three steps up and there the bride and groom stood in front of an enormously HUGE screen (probably bigger than in many cinemas). Right and left of this big screen were also small screens to which I am coming later on.

The wedding started was supposed to start 6 pm but it was planed that the actual event with presentation of the marrying couple wouldn’t start until 7 pm. Till then everybody was seated and on this enormously big screen a countdown of 60 minutes were seen.

When the actual ceremony started the whole room went dark and some kind of light-show finally focused on the big screen. What now started was nothing less than a Hollywood movie about the love story of Emily and Brian Wang, starring themselves. It was unbelievable how the movie was like! It was no trash self-made You Tube video, it was an actual movie. Decent camera, decent cut…fabulous! The movie was about 35 minutes long and afterwards the REAL show began: First they both performed something equal to a Broadway musical and then someone professional sung a love song while playing the piano. Afterwards it went even more weird/crazy/nice/spectacular! The bride’s father brought her along the aisle to the stage where Bryan, the groom, was waiting for her. On the stage Bryan took over and they went together up the stairs so that they stood right in front of the huge screen. On the screen there was the inside of a church displayed in black in white so that it looked like they were really standing in the church. They start reading their vows and exchanged rings…then finally they kissed and the whole black’n’white church burst into a golden shiny one! Everybody stood up and “Gan Bei” (“Cheers”-with emptying your glas) was shouted all over!!

Just spectacular and now the really good part started…the food ;-) The food was exquisite, the red wine and Moutai did the rest and a real good wedding was created. During the celebration there was a kinda showmaster who introduced games the whole time…only drinking games! Funny as when most of the audience is already completely smashed and they still had to compete!

When I left the wedding to get a drink somewhere with several foreigners I left with a mixture of feelings. I got to admit: This was the by far and probably will be the most spectacular wedding of all times for me. But it wasn’t really traditional, it seemed even that it was completely focused on being “European” or “Western”. That was a little bit sad but I think that is the new movement in China und you can not only see this during weddings but in nearly every aspect of your daily life.

The second thing I didn’t really like (or about what I felt a little bit pitty) was that it was practically just a business wedding with business partners of the family Wang (I can´t complain I was there as a business invitee as well) and I did only see some friends of the bride but just about two or three.

Never the less it was a great experience I did spend another great day in Yangzhou with perfect weather and a lot of nice people! It is really much smaller than Shanghai but it has some charm :-) To live there I wouldn’t change it with SH…never…this city is too good. In my opinion (and I believe there are some more folks out there who think the same) SH is the new NY.

And, Yes, I will convince you during my next posts ;-)

Cheers

L.

Transportation in Chinese

What are really creating the picture of the city are the many bikes and scooters. As Katie Melua sung “There are 9 Million Bicycles in Beijing”. But I am in Shanghai and Shanghai is cooler than Beijing and there are definitely more bicycles here ;-) Double it and you should be fine.

But the really great thing is that there not just bikes everywhere, no, they have EVERYTHING on them as well. Have you ever seen a refrigerator on a bike??? I definitely felt sorry for this guy but he actually thought it was kind of funny to see me staring at him, and I am definitely not this type of staring guy when something strange comes along. But that time I seriously had to stare!

Though you might think “Refrigerator is pretty heavy they won´t carry anything bigger” it doesn’t end with refrigerators.

As Shanghai is an expanding city where buildings are built over night, they often first have to knock down the existing buildings.  After they knocked down the building there is an incredible amount things lying around it and there are seldom professional companies who take care of the stuff. Often the people with their “bikes” come and collect as much as they can carry. But those bikes are not normal bikes. They have three wheels and some kind of cart on the back axle. It´s pretty much a very small one where you can but some things on it but never should put as much on it as they do in China. They seriously put stuff up to 5 meters high on it. When I see them driving through the crazy Shanghainese traffic I always want to run along them and help them. Of course they are not respecting any traffic rules, as like they don’t care about their own life and of the life’s of others.

I always wonder how they actually get stuff on top of the carts, with an height of approximately 1,50 m. And the second point is how they actually get the stuff NOT to fall down. These people should better work as structural engineers than picking crap up from construction zones.

So that’s it for Transportation inChinese. I actually hope I get some pics of these “cyclist”.

By the way I am invited to a wedding on Saturday in Yangzhou, a place north of Shanghai. It will take me about 5 hours to get there by train. So be curious about my train ride and the Chinese wedding.

Enjoy

L.