Scream As Loud As You CAN!

“A scream, shout, holler, vociferation, yell, outcry, or steven is a loud vocalization in which air is passed through the vocal cords with greater force than is used in regular or close-distance vocalization. Though technically this process can be performed by any creature possessing lungs, the preceding terms are usually applied specifically to human vocalization.”

-       Wikipedia on “Vociferation”

Great to know, but if you are in China rules of nature, physics or anything else are useless regarding to a scream, shout, holler, vociferation, yell outcry or steven (I didn’t even know there existed a word like this…). They are just louder then everything or everybody else. The record for the loudest “group-screaming” was set at the grounds of Toivala's Metsäkoulu, Siilinjärvi, Finland on 16 April 2005 by a group of Finnish scouts (Thanks Wikipedia, always good to know) with 127.2 decibels. First of all I give those guys a lot of credit…BUT they have never been on a Chinese market or at a place where many Chinese people talk on the phone. They are so loud that it seriously hurts. Imagine yourself wandering through the streets of Shanghai and you are about to enter a supermarket to get just a bottle of water and as soon as you are entering some starts to talk on his phone: “WEI…AH…AH…HAO…….AHAH…(not understandable what-so-ever)…AH…ZAI TIAN!”

What you read up there was a typical and very common talk between two Chinese people on the phone. The content can be translated like this: “HELLO…AH…AH…OK…AHAH……..AH…BYE!” But now to the sound intensity: I would guess about 100 decibels compared with Anna Kurnikowas screaming during a tennis match was a little bit more than 100. So just imagine walking into a room and suddenly somebody screams at you like Anna Kurnikowa! Jeez the risk of a heart attack rises extremely. But know think of some screaming that loud for whole 10 minutes. It gives you a headache for sure. Maybe you realized that there is no real content in their calls since both of them just talk like in the given example.

 So I thought a little while about this matter and I came to a solution that GOTTA be right: China is a communist…ähm, yeah…democracy (or something else starting with “D” and ends with something like “ship” but because I was brainwashed I forgot). The USA is a capitalistic democracy. Communism and capitalism are not really getting along with each other on some points. So to the Chinese government was/is very afraid of being bucked and too much confidential information get out of the country to the US, which are of course are planning to invade China at some point and so it is very important to get as much information about the Chinese lifestyle and habits as possible. A short talk on the phone could be very useful for the American intelligence. But the Chinese were aware of this problem and started a super secret and till now denied program to teach the Chinese people some kind of tone language so they could talk without the fear of the evil capitalists understanding and invading the beloved fatherland. They fo shizzle succeeded. Praise the party ;-)

But it´s not only that they scream like that when they are on the phone, no, otherwise it would be just fine…in some weird way. No, they also “talk” to each other like this. So for European ears it is kinda hard to judge whether the two talking persons are talking about their grandchildren or about the committed murder of one of them. Even if you are able to speak or understand Chinese this doesn’t help at all because during their loud talk they often switch into the local accent which is in my opinion not-understandable for any man-kind other than locals. They keep on screaming and screaming and screaming and you are getting terribly confused by it and no seldom a huuuge terrible headache is the result of listening, no matter in- or unintentional. Maybe another counter-intelligence strategy…who knows?

Just to come to an end. If you haven’t been to China just don’t say you know anything about loud screams, hollers, stevens (I like this word even though I don’t really know if it actually exists) etc. unless you actually have been to China.

One last thing: I am sorry if I am back in May and I talk with a very loud voice…keep it in your mind: It is not MY fault but the Chinese “super-secret-noise-campaign-starting” government!

Cheers and honor the word “steven”

L.